At 2 A.M., a recurring dream woke me:

It is Sunday afternoon, the sky clear. Earlier, I had parked my Toyota on the corner of Lindell Boulevard, largely empty of cars. After I unlocked my car and positioned myself in the driver’s seat, I turned on the ignition and placed the gear in reverse. Slowly, I accelerated. From the right fender came scraping noises. Rather than stop and investigate the source of the problem, I continued heading toward home.

 At 8 A. M., I woke with this dream:

Exhausted, lethargic, brain-fogged, I request spiritual direction from Mother Schroen, the Mistress of Novices. I wish to leave the noviceship. When others did so, I felt the pull to do, as well. The morning of the appointment, I arrive at the bathroom, the indicated place for the meeting. I’ve a great need to urinate, but the water level in the toilet bowl is too high. If flushed, it would overflow and I wouldn’t know what to do. No sign of Mother.

Both dreams address deep-seated, obsessive fears in my psyche. True, during waking hours, I monitor my overall functioning, making necessary adjustments for shortness of breath, weakness, and dizziness when still under the side effect of Dexamethasone. But my Dreamer spins other scenarios, closer to the actual truth for my continual spiritual awakening—manifest through the practice of the Twelve Steps.

CPA’s Step One counters my unmanageability by reminding me of the powerlessness of my terminal disease. Let go and let things be as they are. In Step Two, I deepen my faith in Higher Power’s will to restore me to wholeness. And in Step Three, I again surrender my life and will to Higher Power’s plan for me, despite recurring impatience. Then in Step Seven, I humbly ask for release of the obsession.

 It works, until the next relapse.